


Shit Posts

by catpawz, Serendipital



Category: Bloodborne (Video Game), Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5481467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catpawz/pseuds/catpawz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serendipital/pseuds/Serendipital
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>rlly good fanfic 10/10 plz bruh</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. kiss kiss kill a beast

**Author's Note:**

> Fanfic written at midnight by me and three friends! [Michaela](http://knockabout-pigeon.tumblr.com/), [Gage](http://mangoeymango.tumblr.com/), [Emma](http://echoshall.tumblr.com/), found on Tumblr!

Once upon a time there was a hunter Haruhey. She killed things. She really enjoyed this. She liked killing things almost as much as she liked studying. 

One day Haruhi woke up on a gurney. She thought this was kind of peculiar. Gee, she thought, what am I doing here on this gurney? Pushing herself up she looked around the room.

There was a lot of blood. She was like, omg books! Look at all the books. This is okay, she thought.

She went outside and skipped all the stupid beginning stuff then she got to the part where there was a town and a lot of people with really long limbs. 

Haruhi saw the shambling creatures outside and thought omg this should be cray. Did those twins get up to something again? Did nekosawuza sempai create an entire army of undead human people? Gosh darnit.

She hefted her axe on her shoulder, as gigantic as it was, and went forward. There was a scary monster thing and it jumped out at her. She swung her axe at it but missed because she has no combat training. Then she ran away and she was kinda fast and it was pretty slow so she made it. 

The End.

SequeKL : Haryhu’s firbudden love! Where wil things go from here??

Haruhi ran, and ran, and ran headfirst into a door. Damn, that hurt, She fell onto her back, nose bent weird on her face (concussion?) and knocked on the door again for good measure. No one opened it, so she couldn’t see them, but god damn did they sound sexy,

“Get out, foreigner.”

Man, just what she needed to hear, Her heart went a little doki doki and she knocked agin, just to hear his voice again. God, so hot. 

Finally, he opened the door.

“Oh my god, go away, Jesus Christ.”

Haruhi smiled.

“What the hell.”

Haruhi leaned in for a SAKURA KISS

MAYBE YOURE IN LOVE

LA NA NA NA NA NA NANA NA NATODAY AND NANANANAN BEAUTIFUL DREAM AND WE’LL ALWAYS FALL IN LOVE AGAIN


	2. totally not bestiality/a budding romance

Today was a day that seemed just like any other for Sireus Black. He decided to start the day with a nice trot outside in his dog form.

He had no leash so this whole business was of dubious legality. He’s goin on a walk as a dog you didn’t need to write that down.

Aighe hes goin his trotting hes goin

Alright hes walking and he comes across a pretty little number. She was a poodle. A pretty little poodle, with fur as white as snow and eyes like violets on an echoey mountain top. But like violets that were poisonous. It was pretty hot. 

Anyway back to the main point.

She was a mighty fine poodle. And Serious knew he had to have her. but how? How would be win the heart of such a classy classy lady?

Serious knew the way to a woman’s heart was an immediate proposal of marriage so the first thing he did was get down on one paw and profess his undying love to a poodle whose name he had not yet learned. (ironically her name was pudle)

Poodle looked at him confusedly which Serious interpreted as an immediate yes. She gave a little bark… it was close enough.

The wedding was a Thursday. There was some dogs, no relatives. No one wanted to come. But the important thing was that they loved each other. Or at least that Serious loved her in a totally physical sense.

The preacher was a pigeon. He got his degree back in 1972 and got his preacher license online. They lured him in with a bagel.

Okay, so, Poodle barked, as poodles do. Poodle looked like she was getting cold feet, but that might have just been because it was winter. 

It was a desolate winter day. No one was outside. They were hallucinating everything. 

Nonetheless leaned in to give whatever the equivalent of a dog kiss is. What a good mirage.

The next day Harry was told of the shocking news. “Well it’s not the worst thign that could have happened,” Harry said. “Okay I guess.”

As Harry went to go welcome the new member of his family pet pet pet pet the poodle turned on her heel and went running after a squirrel. Harry’s face went red, he could hardly believe his eyes.

“Blimey! My godmother’s a real bitch!”

The End.

Geddit bc she’s a female dog thats the whole point of this


	3. bonin'

“SANS!” Papayrus yelled “get in here and lets do something that ambiguously sounds like sex!”

“Well,” Sans replied, “that was very ambiguous a euphemism at all. In fact, I’m quite disappointed that you didn’t manage to make that sexier. But whatever I’m game.”

So Sans went to Papyrus’s room and they laid on his race-car bed and he was going to go fast. He was ready.

Sans bumped his maxilla against Papyrusss mandible. It made a clacky clacky sound. Then, he ran his proximal phalange 3 against Papyrus; zygomatic arch. The bone felt cool to the touch. 

“MAN SANS THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE SUGGESTIVE DOESNT IT?”

“uh. no it couldn’t we don’te ven have dicks”

“OH OKAY THEN”

And they continued.

Papyrus slapped his carpals against the floor, letting out a loud NBYEHHHH

And they were done.

“GET DUNKED ON”

“MAN THAT WAS A FUN GAME OF TWISTER EVEN THOUGH I LOST AND THERE WAS MUCH PETTING INVOLVED”

Then, the dog almogmaogoahih popped up, barking happily. “PET PET PET PET PET”


	4. dragonBORN

SKYRIM

DRAGONBORN

Kajit has wears if you have coin

The dragon was super fat. Cause it was pregnant. Not because it was fat. Because it was pregnant. She had a name that struck fear into the hearts of mortal men. It was Fluffernut.

The dragon was like “OMG I hate to be pregnant it really sucks practice safe sex kids”

The egg was strangely smaller than normal dragon eggs. So she felt concerned. “Man, I shouldn’t have had sex with that nondragon thing. I was drunk.” She had had an alcoholism for 3 years. She was an alcoholic. Jesus Chirst. Gotta make things to complicated.

Back to birth.

“I-well, no matter what happens to this age I’m gonna sit on it and incubate it until it hatches. I don’t care how long it takes. I will be a responsible egg. Now normally, male dragons are the ones to raise the egg. But it’s not supposed to be in speech! Now normally, the one to support the mother during this time of incubation is the father dragon who would bring meat and refreshment or whatever during this period. But the problem was, there was no dragon father. It was this weird human thing she met on Tindr. She was a very irresponsible dragon.

Anyway, so she’s starving when this egg begins to hatch, so she’s kinda delirious like “OH! Theres an egg here alright. I’m gonna be a mom that’s pretty cool. 10/10 would preg again.”

It starts cracking, but no dragon beak come through that egg. No claws come through that egg. “Oh no my baby must be stuck in there.” So she takes her claws to open it. But what she didn’t know was that there was a FUllgrown Dragonborn inside, with a weapon, already tryna get through.’

The dragon, upon seeing the Dragonborn crack out of that egg, exclaimed, “OMG where was that dragonborn I was expecting?”   
She was expecting.

She was pregnant again.

The end.

And then the dragonborn kills how mother with his weapon because he was EVIL (every villain is lemons).

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr [here!](http://chicaaago.tumblr.com/)


End file.
